what could i be without you
it’s not where i didn’t go, it’s where i could have gone, but mostly, here i am
when it’s all said and done, when the sun scratches its way into the room between dusty blinds and your t-shirt and mine and your body and mine and it wakes me, i’ve been awake all night. and a mirrored closet and a bad chandelier, and a reach for water results in an empty bottle or a reach for my phone becomes a reach for your shoulder. when i wake, though i’ve been awake, i think i’ve been awake, i watch my own chest rise and fall and think how poetic it should be but it’s just my bones and lungs. how expansive i can be, how large, how i take up space, how my doubled vision makes this worse and how wrong that feels. so i reach again and find cigarettes, and decide to pollute our polluted space with smoke. so the first noise you hear as you wake is the round click and turn of your lighter with my thumb, the pucker of my lips on your cigarette, and my inhale and exhale of your tobacco. and this wakes you, but it’s more than my noise it’s my presence. there’s a buzz because someone left the stereo on and it was probably me and it’s your stereo. so i couldn’t tell you what woke you but certainly it was me. but you turn, and you mumble and you sleep. your sleep, your words. so i am successful in not keeping you, from yourself. i’ve tried so hard to wake you many times before, in the slightest smallest move. in the shift of my legs under sheets. in the moving of your arms from around my waist. i have woken you so many times and yet you are, asleep. i can’t find what can keep you awake, it must be more than me. i’ve been so busy taking you in. i’ve absorbed so much of you there’s not much of me left to remember. you don’t notice because there wasn’t much to begin with. so how can i keep you awake. when you call, and the words move from your lips to mine and your eyes stay cloudy and your touch stays strong, i stay strong. and when you decide, i decide. and when you sleep, i sleep, but i’ve been awake all night, and where have you been.
and when it is all said and done, when the nights end and the date turns, and you turn away from me; i’d like to tell you to absorb me and keep me and hang on to me and please, please stay awake - but there’s so much of me you won’t remember, there was nothing to begin with, so how could i make you stay?